Dear Scotland,

I am writing in response to your recent complaints about the customer service experience you feel has been less than satisfactory in your dealings with Westminster. As I understand it, your complaints concern our general attitude towards you and some specific instances where you believe you have been unfairly treated.

I should begin by pointing out that Westminster Parliaments have not altered their method of operation since the 17th Century. It seems incredible that you have failed to realise this when a simple look through Britain’s history would show that we never relinquish authority unless there is no alternative and that our tactics of dissembling, delay and grinding down of opposition have been retained right up to the present day.

I must say that I believe a large part of the current problem stems from your own actions. You were foolish enough to elect a Scottish Government which had long stated its intention to seek independence and you than chose to listen to its arguments in increasing numbers. However, I do not believe that you should blame Westminster for your ultimate decision to remain part of the UK since many of you chose to believe the promises and blatantly inaccurate claims of the Better Together campaign when it should have been evident that Westminster had no intention of keeping those promises.

Your subsequent decision to elect an overwhelming majority of SNP MPs to the house of Commons also appears utterly bizarre. I can only conclude that you somehow fell for the patently absurd notion that Scottish votes actually count at Westminster, an idea which I must point out was promulgated by Gordon Brown who was merely a backbench Labour MP at the time and so had no authority to promise anything. That you repeatedly fell for his brand of fabricated nonsense is not really the fault of the current Westminster Government.

Despite this, you claim some successes, notably in forcing a reversal of an earlier decision to impose cuts to Working Tax credits. In fact, this reversal was not due to your opposition since, with the assistance of our allies in the Labour Party, we were successful in winning the vote in the House of Commons. The fact that the House of Lords imposed a delay is a matter the Prime Minister will be taking steps to address to ensure that there are no repeats of this absurd situation where a bunch of unelected toffs can overrulle a democratically elected Government.

In any event, thanks to the Office For Budget Responsibility realising that the forecasts they made in July were complete rubbish, I have now been able to announce a change to the decision on Working Tax Credits. Your snide remarks that the OBR have not made a single accurate forecast in their entire existence is unhelpful. Using facts like that is clearly misguided since such esteemed entities such as the BBC, the Daily Telegraph, Daily Mail, Daily express, the Sun and the Economist believe every word the OBR say and repeat it frequently in order to ensure that the citizens of the UK have access to information which supports my claims. The OBR may well come up with a completely different set of projections next year (or perhaps next week) but this will not affect my decision on Tax Credits since most members of the media appear to have completely missed the rather obvious point that these benefits will eventually be replaced by Universal Credit. This new Benefit will be paid at a rate which will ensure that the working classes receive far less Government assistance than they do now, although I should caveat this by pointing out that the computer system intended to operate Universal Credit is, in accordance with most Government system developments, significantly behind schedule and vastly in excess of budgeted costs. Still, we’ll get there in the end and there is nothing you can do about it.

I understand that you are also unhappy with the provisions of the new Scotland Bill. The fact that the members of the House of Lords have actually stayed awake long enough to realise that the entire fiscal process underpinning the proposed Bill is nonsense proves nothing at all and, as I mentioned earlier, we will be taking steps to nullify the powers of that assembly in due course. As things stand, the Scotland Bill will make the Scottish Parliament one of the most powerful devolved Parliaments in the world. We have said this many times, so it must be correct. Your request for examples of other devolved Parliaments with which to compare Holyrood is mere semantics and can easily be refuted although I do not actually have the information to hand and will need to get back to you at some point in the future. If I remember.

Turning to your comments on economic policy, Westminster has a long term plan which is working. This is undeniable, since the media confirm it whenever we tell them to. You claim that there is an alternative way of operating since the austerity economic model is based on a mistake in a spreadsheet and that the majority of economists claim it is self-defeating. This must be a false assertion. I have several copies of The economist on my desk and reading the headlines of their articles confirms that the Westminster Government’s policies are correct. Your own ideas such as providing free prescriptions, free university tuition and free travel for the elderly are mere political bribes to a gullible populace who appear to believe that a Government which implements policies they approve of is a good Government. Your bribes are not at all comparable to the assistance we constantly provide to big businesses, the wealthy and pensioners. The fact that these are the people who consistently vote for us is, I can assure you, merely coincidence.

In essence, then, your claims are worthless. You had your chance to leave but, despite all the evidence to the contrary, you decided you would be better off if you remained part of the UK. That is hardly the fault of Westminster. Besides which, it is clear that Scotland could not cope as an independent country. Again, we have said this repeatedly and the media agree with us so it must be correct. Under the beneficent guidance of successive Westminster Governments, your industries such as steelworking and shipbuilding have collapsed, your power stations are closing down, your renewable industries are unable to develop without subsidy so much so that we have been forced to divert billions of pounds of subsidy into nuclear energy and to seek sources of alternative renewable power from countries such as Ireland and Norway. In addition, the broad shoulders of the UK have failed to protect jobs in steel, finance, retail, engineering, oil & gas, printing, construction, journalism and many other sectors. I refute your assertion that the payment of incentives to firms to close down their Scottish operations and move to England has anything to do with any of these. It is self-evident that investing money in English offices for the likes of HMRC is better for the country as a whole than maintaining similar centres in Scotland; no less an intellectual powerhouse than Boris Johnson has said so and who can argue with him?

What this boils down to is absolute proof that Scotland is an economic wasteland, unable to cope as an independent country. As such, your complaints against Westminster are unfounded and absolutely no compensation will be paid. In fact, Westminster’s policies will ensure that any compensation flows to us from you.

Please stop complaining. You voted for this.

Regards,

Gideon Chancellor