By Wee Hamish

Dear Westminster Establishment & UK Media,

I am addressing this Open Letter to you jointly because I am very worried about the state of your mental wellbeing.

As you know, there was a Referendum on Scottish independence last year. The result was fairly close but still clear enough. A majority of Scots prefer living under your benign governance rather than standing on their own feet and governing themselves. I was disappointed with the result, it is true. In fact, I was bloody furious that so many of my fellow countrymen and women didn’t have the guts to break free from the last vestiges of the Empire but that is democracy and I have accepted the result.

So, too, has the Scottish National Party. It may have escaped your notice but, although there are some fanatics among SNP supporters who keep calling for a second IndieRef, Nicola Sturgeon knows that to call another one too soon and to risk losing a second time would be stupid. She has made that plain enough on many occasions. That’s not the same as saying that the SNP or the wider Yes movement have given up on eventual Scottish independence, it’s just that we know now is not the time for the vote to be tested again. Unfortunately, we need to wait for the older generation, who are too scared of change to vote for anything other than the Britain which exists largely in their fond memories, to pass away. The younger generation, with access to alternative media sources, are wise to your tricks and will eventually alter the demographics of the Independence vote. That will take time and, in the meantime, we will work within the constraints of your rules.

In fact, we are doing everything you asked of us during the IndieRef campaign. We have elected pro-Scottish MPs to represent us within the archaic and ludicrous House of Commons. We are showing how an Opposition Party should behave and are raising political awareness where we can, even given the extreme bias you show in what you release to the wider public through your news channels.

So, we’ve done what you asked. We voted No, we have said we will abide by the result of the IndieRef, we’ve joined in the farce that is your UK Parliament and we’ve said there will not be a second IndieRef until a majority of the people of Scotland demand it. I honestly can’t think of what more we could have done except to elect 56 Labour stooges to the house of Commons again.

So, why, I must ask, are you so obsessed with the question of a second IndieRef? Every time an SNP MP goes on the TV or radio, it seems they are asked the question. You can’t possibly think they have changed their minds about wanting Scottish independence but how many times do you need to be told that the SNP have no plans for it at the moment?

Are you stupid? Ok, don’t answer that, I think the people of Scotland know the answer. But this obsession of yours is unhealthy. It reveals a very real fear lurking in the recesses of your paltry little imaginations. What is it you are afraid of? Is it losing Scotland’s subsidy of your lifestyle? Is it losing the pride and prestige that would be linked to the secession of one of the oldest parts of your Empire? Do you fear being laughed at in the international community? I hope not because, in case you hadn’t noticed, most of them are laughing at you anyway.

Or is your fixation with IndieRef 2 that you are pretty sure you will lose it? Is it because you know you’ve more or less run out of scare stories, that everything you told us has turned out to be a lie and that pretty much everything the Yes campaign said would happen has turned out to be true? Is that it?

I honestly don’t know the answer to what is troubling you but it could be the cumulative effect of all of these things, building into a storm cloud of terror which means you retain this almost panicked obsession.

So here’s a little tip for you. We love it when you keep asking about it. Every time one of your pet media stooges asks the question, we know we’ve got you rattled. WE can see the fear in your eyes and hear it in your strident voices. And we can imagine the sheer horror and petrifying terror when, one day, out of the blue, Nicola Sturgeon decides the time has come and the polls are in our favour. We’re looking forward to that day and watching you fill your breeks in terror when you realise the game is up.

You really ought to seek expert help for your condition because, at this rate, you are going to have a breakdown. Or should that be a break up?