By Stan Donderite

Dear friends and neighbours in England. I am writing this letter to ask you to ignore some of the scurrilous rumours being propagated by vile separatists in North Britain. Some of these crazed nationalists would have you believe that Scotland is a wealthy nation with a host of natural resources, including most of Britain’s fresh water, most of Britain’s oil, plus such things as whisky, gin, beef, salmon, an abundance of food crops, a huge percentage of Europe’s renewable energy sources in wind and wave power, medical research at top universities, a thriving digital games industry, and many other such resources.

I beg you not to pay any attention to these unfounded and, quite frankly, untruthful claims. Scotland is, as your media and politicians have told you for decades, subsidised by England and is a drain on your hard-earned taxation. Nobody in Scotland pays tax, yet they benefit from your generosity with such things as free prescriptions and education. This is grossly unfair, and you should petition your MP to ask them to do everything in their power to allow the Scots to become independent as soon as possible. They will, as everyone south of the Border knows, soon regret their foolish decision. After all, their education and healthcare systems are already failing. Please do not pay any attention to such trivial things as official statistics which show Scotland’s NHS as being the best performing in the UK, nor to official OECD statistics which show Scotland has the best educated workforce in Europe. These figures have clearly been manufactured by the vile SNP simply in order to persuade their own populace that things could be better if they broke away from control by Westminster. Instead, you should continue to believe such eminent publications as the Daily Mail, Daily Express and Telegraph, whose benign owners only have your best interests at heart. Scotland is an economic basket case despite more than three centuries of nurturing, loving care and control from Westminster. The ungrateful Scots have no conception of just how much worse things would be for them if your Government had not retained control of all the major levers of their economy.

So please pay no attention to any claims that Scotland could be a successful independent nation. The idea is ludicrous. Every other medium-sized independent nation in the world would love to be controlled by Westminster, as evidenced by the way the EU are being obstructive over the UK leaving. It is not just that they fear a rising UK becoming a dominant pawn of the USA, they cannot abide the thought of not having the Brits around to tell them what they are doing wrong, how awful their food is, and how laughable their languages are. Most of them even speak English with a funny accent, just like the Jocks. And please do refer to the north British as jocks. It is viewed as an offensive term with racist connotations, so fits very well with your Tory Government’s current attitudes towards pretty much everyone who is not English. I encourage you to use this term whenever you are speaking about or to anyone who claims to be Scottish. Please do not think about those scots who wish to remain in your glorious UK. They will not be offended no matter what you say or do to them, as long as you wave a Union flag at them. You are therefore free to emulate the fine examples set in the House of Commons by insulting Scotland and the Scots at every opportunity. After all, these are the scrounging layabouts who are sitting around claiming Benefits from your taxes.

So please do your best to ensure that Scotland becomes an independent nation as soon as possible. Let them stay in the EU with its unelected lawmakers. They will soon discover their error. After all, the vile SNP do not even have any representation in the wholly democratic House of Lords, so how can they have any idea of how real democracy works?

It is your civic duty to unburden yourselves of North Britain. Until you do, the vile separatists will continue to oppose your fabulous Brexit, and may even attempt to point out when Boris Johnson has lied to you. This would be unforgiveable, but it is just the sort of thing they would do in defiance of the BBC’s far more balanced reporting of the Tory Government’s words and actions. Please always believe the BBC and ignore the comments of the CyberNats on social media, no matter how many facts they may cite.

You also need to ignore the comments from politicians about a One Nation UK. Scotland is a very different country, with very different social attitudes. For example, they disdain Morris Dancing, and they hardly ever play cricket. They really hate the English, just as your media tells you. Please do not listen to anyone who points out the large number of English-born SNP members living in Scotland. These are entirely fictional beings, created by online social media bots. If you want evidence of this, just watch the BBC reporting of the so-called All Under One Banner marches for independence. You will not see a single English flag on display during these marches. In fact, you won’t see the marches at all on the BBC, which just goes to prove my point.

Finally, you should point out to your MP (who is probably a Tory), that England will be able to rid itself of the very occasional Labour Government your voters elect from time to time. This horrendous fate can be completely removed by getting rid of the Scottish MPs. Without them, the Tories will have eternal majorities, which is what your voting record over the past century or so seems to demonstrate as your preference.

It’s a win-win. You will be able to bask in the glory of a Tory-run nation free from interference by the EU, and you’ll be able to laugh at the Jocks who will be condemned to becoming yet another failing European state like Ireland, Estonia, Finland and the rest. Again, though, pay no attention to actual economic data about these countries. Such statistics are meaningless when set against the chance of having blue passports and chlorinated chicken imported from the USA. You will be rid of Scotland and free to pay for your NHS while you live a life of luxury sitting around applying for jobs because your workplace shut down.

That is all. Have a very Brexity New Year.