By Stan Donderite

A checklist for anyone considering travelling to Scotland for a camping holiday.

Please ensure you have all the following before setting off:

  • Face masks.
  • Insect repellent. (It won’t work on the midges, but it will give the locals a laugh).
  • Tent & camping equipment.
  • Instructions on how to erect a tent.
  • Waterproof clothing. It’s Scotland, FFS!
  • Your mobile phone. Only kidding. You won’t get a signal, so you may as well leave this at home.
  • Water bottle. Useful for extinguishing fires you may have lit for a photo shot.
  • An English / Gaelic dictionary. Useful for reading road signs.
  • Your credit card. Remember, a Pound spent in Croydon is worth at least twice as much as a Pound spent in the Western Isles. With an exchange rate like that, you can afford to splash out. Please help boost the local economy by spending lavishly.
  • Stout walking shoes. These are invaluable for trekking through the magnificent landscape. They are also essential if you feel the need to climb fences into fields to pitch your tent.
  • Something to read. We suggest Neil Oliver’s latest historical book. It will give you a deep understanding of Scotland and the Scots. Particular attention should be paid to the section on happy Highlanders leaving their homes voluntarily to seek out new lives in America.
  • Police security detail to keep unwanted locals away.
  • A Daily Mail photographer.

That should ensure you have a happy and safe holiday, but if things don’t work out, it is recommended that you have an alternative venue arranged as a back up. For example, your father might have a villa in Greece he could let you use.