by Stan Donderite

Loads of people seem confused about what’s going on with the investigation into the Salisbury Novichok attack. In case you are one of those poor, deluded fools who don’t believe the UK Government’s official statements, here’s a summary of the investigation so far.

The nerve agent Novichok definitely comes from Russia except that nobody can actually prove that. But Russia must be to blame because they invented the stuff, just like the Chinese are to blame for all the mass shootings in America because they invented gunpowder.

This Novichok is the deadliest nerve agent known to man. It is absolutely lethal in every case except those where it isn’t.

The Novichok was given to the Skripal’s in their car, or in a pub, or in a restaurant, or in a park, or at the front door of their house. Nobody else in the pub, restaurant, park or at the front door was affected except one policeman.

The Skripal’s pet cat and guinea pigs (who may or may not have been hamsters) were taken away for testing but were also left inside the sealed house. The authorities could not say exactly where the pets were because of Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. When the house was reopened, the pets were found to be dead. This means the cat and guinea pigs must have really belonged to a Mr Schrodinger.

Boris Johnson did not say that he had been told by Porton Down scientists that the Novichok definitely came from Russia. What he did say is that the scientists from Porton Down had definitely told him the Novichok came from Russia. The Foreign Office might accidentally have posted a Tweet saying the same thing, and accidentally not deleted it for several days, but you can’t prove that now because it’s been deleted. Unless you took a screen shot of it, in which case you are supporting Russia against the UK.

The UK Government’s evidence for Russia’s involvement must be overwhelming because a bucketload of other countries have expelled Russian diplomats after they heard it. We can’t tell you what that evidence is, but it’s definitely proof. Just like the proof we had of Iraq’s WMD’s.

I hope that clears it all up for you. Now stop thinking and go back to watching the Great British Bake Off while singing Rule Britannia and waving your Union Jack.